Aunt Sweeney
by Toph94
Summary: Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world’s best agony aunt and his friends and enemies solve it!
1. Ella's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 1: Ella's problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 1: Ella's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

Dear Aunt Sweeney and Co,

A boy at my school keeps threatening to beat me up. Even worse, my parents found out and now they're going to tell my school what's going on! If they tell, everyone will think I'm a total snitch! How can I stop the boy from picking on me, and keep my parents away from the school?

From Ella, aged 14.

Sweeney's reply: Ella, this boy has done you wrong! How can you sit back and let him threaten you? If I were you, I'd just find a weapon that feels comfortable to you and find out where he lives! Then… the possibilities are endless! Have fun planning, but NEVER hesitate if you have an opportunity. If you do, you'll probably regret it. As for your parents, if the boy's dead, they can't complain, can they?

Mrs Lovett's reply: Deary, this is a story I've heard before and one that probably affects dozens of our teenage readers. My advice is to ignore the lad. If you kill him, they're sure to suspect you if you hold a grudge against him. He'll probably soon get bored, and anyways, people _can_ change (some more than others, eh, Benny?)

Anthony's reply: Be nice to him! Get him a present! No one can be mean to someone who's just given them a nice gift. And if your parents see you giving him a pretty present, they'll think he's your friend, won't they? He'll totally like you if you give him stuff!

Johanna's reply: Let your parents sort him out! Loving parents are a blessing; you don't know how lucky you are.

Judge Turpin's reply: Ignore the boy. He hasn't done anything wrong, has he? Your parents, however… accusing an innocent boy of hurting you? Unacceptable! They'll hang for this, I'm sure!

(Ella: 0.0)

Beadle Bamford's reply: Gawd, why are you asking me? I don't know anything! What is a beadle, anyway? Is it like a beetle?

Lucy's reply: I don't know! I'm hungry! I want to eat wallpaper! And marmite!

Pirelli's reply: How on earth am I supposed to know? I'm dead, remember!

(Mrs L: So am I!

Mr T: And me!

Ben B: It sucks, doesn't it? I should know, I've been dead for years!

Judge T: Lets all have revenge on Sweeney Todd!

Mr T: Why are you all looking at me like that? Revenge doesn't solve anything! You'll just end up murdered by a kid with your own razor!

Beadle B: Really?

Ben B: Shut up! I never liked you! Let me rest in peace!

Mr T: Hey, look what I found in my pocket! Pulls out razor

Everyone: OH SHIT!)

Toby's reply: Hmm… tricky problem… I'd advise you to kill him. I worked for me! I lived looks smug

Ella's feedback: The sanest person here is Lucy.

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	2. Audrey's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 2: Audrey's problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 2: Audrey's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

Dear Agony Aunts:  
My friend keeps making plans to meet me, then calling a minute later and telling me that she has plans already. I'm almost sure that she just doesn't want to spend time with me, but she does have a busy schedule. How can I ask her without sounding too rude in case she's telling the truth?  
From Audrey, 15.

Sweeney's reply: Just ask her who she's hanging round with. Then, that night, slip into their rooms and kill them (I'd advise slitting their throat, but if you're too squeamish, a touch of arsenic forced down their throats ought to do it). Repeat this every time she ditches you, and then pretty soon she won't have any excuses because everyone will be dead!

Mrs Lovett's reply: Ask what she's doing in a casual, uncaring way. Then, gather up as many friends as you can and turn up at whatever she's doing. Be very annoying and embarrassing. For example, if she's in a hockey match, stand on the sides, cheer her on (loudly, and non-stop), and throw rocks at the other team. If she's visiting a relative turn up, eat everything in the fridge, and ask granny why she's so wrinkly. Be very rude and obnoxious, and don't forget to pack the vodka ect. If you turn up and she's not there, be equally loud and rude, but just complain a lot. She'll be so afraid you'll offend elderly relatives, knock her hockey team out ect she'll turn up, no problemo!

Anthony's reply: Of course your friend is telling the truth! Don't you trust her? Do you have any good reason not to? No? Then why are you worrying? Don't worry! Be happy!

Johanna's reply: Just talk to her! Tell her you're starting to feel rejected. Sound as pathetic as possible, but avoid whining. Make her feel guilty. Communication is the key!

Judge Turpin's reply: Make a whole lotta hic new fwends nd hic dump 'er… falls over

(Beadle B: Um… sir… don't you think you've had enough? Tries to sneak bottle out of Judge T's hand

Judge T: No.

Beadle B: But sir –

Judge T: NO!

Beadle Bamford's reply: Um, excuse me! Can't you see I'm doing my HAIR? It takes TIME and EFFORT to look this fabulous!

Lucy's reply: Would you like a rainbow flavoured donut? Too bad, it's MINE! Nyeh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh! SKITTLES!

Pirelli's reply: Hello? I'm still dead!

(Mrs L: Excuses, excuses…)

Toby's reply: Next time she calls you and cancels, just say 'Oh, what a COINCIDENCE. I was just about to call YOU. Why, DARLING, I've just been invited to a PARTY. How FABULOUS. I didn't think I'd get to go. See ya! Bye-bye for now!' Then hang up before she can say anything. See how she likes it!

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	3. Caitlin's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 3: Caitlin's problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 3: Caitlin's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

Dear Aunt Sweeney:

There's this guy I kind of like, but he lives in a different town, and I don't wanna date someone that lives so far from me. The problem is, whenever I go there to visit my other friend, he kind of stalks us. And when I see him he runs up, hugs me, and doesn't let go for like 10 minutes. How do I make him leave me the Hell alone without hurting him?

From Caitlin, 15.

Sweeney's reply: Hmm… when you say you don't want to hurt him, do you mean physically or mentally? If you don't mind hurting him physically, just wait till he hugs you and stab him (hehehe). When he goes to hug you, simply pull your chosen sharp object from your pocket and…chopchopchop! Hehehehehe… then get him in the freezer quickly because meat goes rotten quickly.

Mrs Lovett's reply: Mr Todd's got a great idea there! But, if you're squeamish, I do understand how hard it is to kill people (all that blood…) without getting your hands dirty, so why not just try this: bribe a tall, muscular good-looking boy to accompany you next time you visit your friend. When the 'problem boy' pops up, announce 'And this is my _boyfriend_, Antonio (or Frank, or Gerri, or whatever). Stand very close to Antonio/Frank/Gerri and get Antonio/Frank/Gerri to glare at 'problem boy'.

Anthony's reply: Um… just… date the boy? Yeah, that's it! Date him, then marry him, then have kids! Then: True Love will conquer all!

(Johanna: You don't get out much, do you?

Anthony: Not really…)

Johanna's reply: I'm busy! Can't you see I'm practising with the band?

(She holds up an electric guitar. Other band members include: Judge Turpin on keyboard and Lucy as main voice.

Judge T: Lalalalalalalala!

Lucy: Moo!

Jo: Oh my god! You've got mad cow disease!

Lucy: Mooooooo!

Jo: Nooooo! Nobody take any arsenic; it could drive you mad or even kill you!

Judge T: No duh, blondie.)

Judge Turpin's reply: Let the boy have his… fun. What's he done wrong? Nothing, that's what, and it is far too cruel to crush him. Take it as a compliment, and marry him!

Beadle Bamford's reply: (Is singing very much so out of tune) Swing your razor wide, Sweeney…Something, something skies… something, duh, duh blood, duh, duh, moralize…(1: see below)

(Jo: Hey, beadle, sing this –gives him a bit of paper-

Beadle B: If you only knew, Mr Todd, oh, Mr Todd, your waaaarm in my haaand…HEY!

Toby: Told you he'd be dumb enough.

Toby, Jo and Anthony: snigger-giggle-cackle

Lucy's reply: Moo.

Pirelli's reply: Aha! I have an annoying name! In fact, I have a couple of annoying names! … What's that Caitlin? You have a problem? Well, so do I: I'm dead!

(Everybody: Yay!)

Toby's reply: Just do what Mrs Lovett said, she's a wonderful woman… –sigh-

(Mrs Lovett: 0.0)

(1: From the Ballad of Sweeney Todd.

Actual lyrics: Swing your razor wide,

Sweeney, Hold it to the skies!

Freely flows the blood of those who moralise!)

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	4. Angelina's Problem: Special Edition

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 4: Angelina's problem: special edition

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 4: Angelina's problem: special edition

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

Hi Mr Sweeney Todd and Co (especially Mrs.L)

There is this boy that I like a lot. Problem he has a girl. She isn't even pretty. She is boring and goody two shoes. Ugh. Anyways how do I get him to see spontaneity is the way to go? Oh there is this other one but he just makes me laugh. Should I forget the one with the boring girlfriend or go for the single funny boy. Both are cute.

Love,  
Angelina

Sweeney's reply: Do I really need to say it? KILL HIS GIRLFRIEND! SHE MUST DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! MWAHAHAHA!

(Toby: _Somebody_ forgot his medication…)

Mrs Lovett's reply: Just go for the single guy. Or simply wait. DO NOT try and break up the guy you like and his girlfriend, or you're just heading for a cheap sitcom.

Wait, love, wait…

Destiny will intervene,

Um, just, um… look for fate,

And…uh…WHAT RHYMES WITH INTERVENE??

(Toby: nothing much…

Mrs L: -breaks down sobbing-

Toby: did _anyone_ remember their medication today?)

Anthony's reply: Well, all my self-help books say – follow your dreams, Angelina! Just do whatever your heart says!

Johanna's reply: You are sooooo lucky! You've met two boys under about 100 years old in your life! All I've got is Anthony!

Judge Turpin's reply: Just check which one is richest. If they're around equal, hmm… eeney-meeney-miny-mo works quite well, in my experience.

Beadle Bamford's reply: Go after both of them! That way, if one of them doesn't like you, you can just go for the other one. And if neither of them like you… I'm single… -winkwink-

(every girl within 10 miles: -shudder- eeeeew…

Lucy's reply: Hey, I've just figured out why my last name is Barker! It's because I'm barking mad!

Pirelli's reply: hmm… which one is hottest? You said they were both cute, but which is hot, or, if you prefer it, who looks more like ME?

Toby's reply: Don't ask me! Do I look like I'm getting any? Flip a coin for all I care!

(Mr T: MWAHAHAHAHA! –JUMPS ON TOP OF TOBY WITH A RAZOR- DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIIIIIIIIIIE!

Mrs L: oh mo! Mr T _did_ forget his li'l pills!

Toby: I would like to take this moment to say, told you s – ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! –Mr T stabs him and blood squirts everywhere-

Jo: cool! I always wanted to watch this movie!

Out of nowhere, a teenage girl appears. She has long black hair, big brown eyes, very pale skin and is laughing at the gurgling noises Toby is making as he dies. Everything instantly stops: Mrs Lovett stops crying, Toby stops dying (in fact, all the blood vanishes and Mr Todd's razor is strangely poised above his throat but unable to move), Pirelli stops combing his moustache and Lucy stops mooing. The strange, gothic-looking girl speaks:

Girl: Hahaha! Ok, ok… quit it now. If anyone wants to know who I am, I am –dramatic pause- the writer! I control all of you and can make you do whatever I want. In fact, I am god. But you can call me Bella. –smiles creepily-

Mrs l: f you're so important, can you save Toby for me –puppydog eyes- pretty please with vodka on top?

Bella: -eyes light up at the mention of vodka. She is, after all, under the legal age for drinking, and therefore thinks anything vaguely alcoholic is pure gold- Vodka… mmm…

Mrs l: …

Bella: No! I am bored, therefore someone will die!

Mrs L: So you're going to KILL OFF Toby?!

Bella: Good point, I like Toby… amazing opportunities to weird people out. Plus he looks very cool in black and white. Yoink! –steels Sweeney's razor. (Why does he let her? She's special, that's why) - Pirelli! Come! –snaps fingers-

Pirelli: -trots over like an obedient dog-

Bella: I've wanted to do this for so long! -holds up razor in front of Pirelli's face and… shaves his moustache.- and… -slits Pirelli's miserable throat. Blood splatters on her whitish skin, looking like ketchup on fish fingers, but less breadcrumby. Beadle Bamford faints- Mwahahahaha! –turns to Sweeney- well, you're evil. You don't really deserve all the fun…

Pirelli: -dies again-

Bella: and now… drop dead, Anthony!

Anthony: ok –drops dead-

Jo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ANTHONY! NOOOOOOOO!

Bella: You too.

Jo: NOOOOOOOOOOOo – -drops dead-

-yup, they are defiantly dead… you ca tell by the dark red puddle of blood spreading across the floor, which is odd because they're not actually injured-

Bella: just kidding!

Anthony+Jo: -jump to feet- ok!

Bella: and now… I'm bored with messing with you! -vanishes-

Everyone: …

Mr T: what just happened…? –looks at empty hand- HEY SHE STOLE MY SHINY THING!

Mrs L: Didn't I give you like, ten of them?

Mr T: I traded most of them for rum.

Mrs L: 0.o

Mr T: GIVE ME BACK MY FRIEND!

-in the distance, a strange voice echoes to the aunts…-

Bella: Mwahahahaha!

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	5. Kelsey's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 5: Kelsey's problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 5: Kelsey's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

I like this boy in my class and I think he likes me back. I mean, whenever I look at him, he is looking at me. But he is always doing something else so I can't talk to him. What should I do? OH! And I am kinda shy  
PS: I'll do whatever it takes ;)

Kelsey

Sweeney's reply: Violence is always the answer, Kelsey! Mmm… violence… MWAHAHAHAHAzzzzzzzzzz…

(Mrs L: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TOUCHING MY RUM!?)

Mrs Lovett's reply: Try sending him a note. Slip one into his schoolbag saying 'Meet me at blehblehbleh at bleh o'clock. From Kelsey' then, meet up with him! DO NOT write 'Meet me in Lost Virginity Cave at midnight, from your true love (Kelsey) PS wear your red, tight boxers, they're my favourites' This is just too creepy, and not good creepy, like Mr T.

Anthony's reply: Wander round, singing his name off-key outside his house. Works best if you can't sing.

Johanna's reply: Do whatever Anthony said. Now go away, wrestling's on!! GO! GO! KILL! KILL! DIIIIIIIIIIIE!!

(Mrs L: Whoa. It _is_ hereditary.)

Judge Turpin's reply: Aw, true love! How sweet! If you want, I'll help you woo him! He may be your soul mate, you know! Young love is such a _fragile_ thing… IT MUST NEVER BE BROKEN OR YOU WILL END UP ALONE AND THE ONLY LIVING PERSON WHO WANT YOU WILL BE BEADLE BAMFORD! AND YOU'LL NEVER GET ANY! –falls on the floor, fitting-

(Beadle B: Judge Turpin? Did you steal my pills again?

Toby: Any what?)

Beadle Bamford's reply: Did it occur to you that maybe he just has a lazy eye?

Lucy's reply: I am a fish. Glug glug.

(Mrs L: I thought you were a cow.

Lucy: I am a cowfish)

Pirelli's reply: I'm sorry, Kelsey. I am now dead, 2 and a half times.

(Mrs L: Get over it.

Pirelli: And they stole my moustache! Now I have to draw it on every morning with a magic marker –pout-

Toby's reply: Just steal one of Mr Todd's razors and threaten him. If he still won't date you, kill him. Simple as!

(Everybody: 0.o

Toby: What? Are you saying you could watch the one person who ever cared for you –eye twitch- get murdered horrible, hear her scream as she burnt to death, then avenge her death by slitting the throat of the man who did it, who, incidentally was the closest thing you had to a father -shudder- although you hate him and are terrified of him because you know he's a serial killer, and recently found out –eye twitch- that you've been eating human flesh said motherly figure has been baking into pies and not get –voice rises from 'innocent kid high-pitched' to 'hysterical madman high-pitched' a little bit crazy? –pulls out gun- DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? DO YOU? –eye twitch- Because if you do…

Everybody: -screams and hits the deck-

Toby: What? Have I got something on my face?)

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	6. Alice's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 6: Alice's problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 6: Alice's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

I keep hearing voices in my head that sound like Mrs Lovett, whispering things when I'm trying to go to sleep and it's really weird. Is this a sign I should be carted off to the loony bin?  
"Alice"

Sweeney's reply: Do you know what's funny? _I_ keep hearing voices that sound like Mrs Lovett, whispering things when _I_'m trying to go to sleep _and_ it's really weird for me too. However, I generally turn round and she's standing behind me prattling on like normal.

Mrs Lovett's reply: You hear me… in your head…at night? Is that ever so slightly perverted or is it my imagination? Um… I'm _ever_ so flattered but… um… I'm engaged. To Mr Todd.

(Mr T: Grrrrrrrr…

Mrs L: I mean… Anthony

Anthony: -runs away screaming- AHHHHHHHHH! GOD, SAAAAAVE ME! PLEASE, JESUS, PLEASE!

Mrs L: Don't be silly… um… Judge?

Judge T: -looks down her top-

Mrs L: I mean Be – gawd, I can't even bring my self to say it!

Beadle B: -pout-

Mrs L: -looks around desperately- Um… PIRELLI!

Pirelli: Sure… 0.o

Mrs L: there you go! I'm taken, sorry. –wide smile- I am _not_ going within a million miles of anyone who hears voices.

Mr T: Hehehe…

Mrs L: What?

Mr T: _Nellie Pirelli_…

Mrs L: o.0

Anthony's reply: I'm not sure it's politically correct to say 'loony bin', you know.

Johanna's reply: SHHH! Don't even _say_ those words! It's too scary… _You do NOT_ know what it's like… _inside_. Not nice, I'm tellin' you that!

Judge Turpin's reply: You are not normal.

Beadle Bamford's reply: What does Mrs Lovett say?

Lucy's reply: It's ok, I hear voices too! Don't worry; you're just as sane as I am. Moo.

Pirelli's reply: …yes.

Toby's reply: It's is only insanity when she's screaming at you… -sobs- oh, Mrs L! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah… like she's _burning to death again_…

(Everyone (especially Mrs L): o.0

Pirelli: here we go again…

Toby:-pulls out gun-

Pirelli: This isn't fair, it's always me he shoots, and it's _never_ you guys. It's just _favouritism_. -pout-)

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	7. Sarah's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter7: Sarah's problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter7: Sarah's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

I, uh, have a crush on a killer. Well, let's pretend he's, uh, a fictional character, which he obviously isn't. This fictional character likes killing people. A lot. And he has crazy hair. Anyway, he has a lot of, erm, dead bodies left over, this fictional character, hypothetically speaking, of course.  
What can I do with the dead bodies and how can I ensure that I'm not his next, er, hypothetically speaking victim?

Sarah

Sweeney's reply: O.O Creepy girl…creepy girl… Has anyone else got déjà vu?

Mrs Lovett's reply: Hmm… I really don't know what to say. Here's a li'l tip: went he gets that 'semi sane' look in his eye and starts with the omega, stay away from fire.

Anthony's reply: I'm glad I don't know any serial killers; I like cereal. Especially Special K, I'm trying to drop 2 dress sizes.

(Everybody: o.0)

Johanna's reply: You should try baking them into pies! After all, human flesh tastes like pork, so who'll know the difference?

(Everyone: 0.o

Toby: COOL

Jo: I know! It was in this movie I saw. Cool movie, but I can't remember what it was called. I do remember this one guy, he kept going 'omg, I love your yellow 'air!' and I kept thinking 'hehehe, if Anthony called my hair yellow, I'd knock him out. It's blond, honey!')

Judge Turpin's reply: Pah, don't be silly. This is such an unlikely scenario… hahaha. Probably couldn't happen to anyone.

Beadle Bamford's reply: Hey… am I the only one who's noticed we don't have any boys sending in problems? Come on! I want some man problems!

(Jo: are you hinting that girls don't have good enough problems?

Beadle B: Um… no…

Jo: Hey, we are just as good as boys, you pervert!

Beadle B: Look, as far as I'm concerned, girls are just pairs of watermelons on legs.

Jo: See! This is why I don't like men!

Beadle B: …

Jo: What? Shocked? Yes, I am a lesbian!

Beadle B: …

Anthony: …

Beadle B: …

Anthony: Um… Johanna… you know I'm a guy, right?

Jo: -fingers in ear holes- IMNOTLISTENINGIMNOTLISTENINGIMNOTLISTENING…LALALALALALALALALALALALA!

Lucy's reply: You'll be ok, I'm sure. After all, if you love the so much man, he must love you back (…a little bit, at least). So, in theory, he wouldn't hurt you, would he? And if he would, call the police. The second he uses any violence, you're not safe. Ok, honey? And, as for the bodies, make sure he stops killing people, ok? It's not nice. So make him happy, but if he continues to use violence with anyone at all, leave him. For the bodies you already have, chuck them in a dark alleyway. Everybody does it.

(Mrs L: …

Lucy: What?

Mrs L: aren't you supposed to be mad?

Lucy: Moo.

Mrs L: That's better!

Pirelli's reply: Ok, I would like to point out that my moustache still hasn't grown back and I need to draw it on every morning with a marker pen (at least no one can tell the difference). I've also been killed four and a half times. What is this, a cartoon? Why does everyone kill Pirelli?

(Jo: You were killed four and a half times? Who'd you piss off that much?

Pirelli: Beaten half to death with a kettle, had my throat slit by Sweeney, got the chop a la Bella, then Toby shot me twice, in two different chapters. Who the hell gave him a gun?!

Toby's reply: Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.  
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.  
Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,  
I'll send 'em dead,  
I don't care, I've got a gun…

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	8. Becca's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 8: Becca's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

I've been BEST friends with a guy since first grade, and when his parents sent him upstate for school, I barely got to see him. I've always had this crush on him and everyone says we would be perfect together. He just got back 2 weeks ago and I don't know how to tell him my feelings for him, the worst part is that he told me that he likes this girl who used to be my friend but I hate her now. UGH! what should I do?  
-- Becca

Bella's special announcement:_ Hello readers! I am here to give you information on stuff! Because, you see, our usual random observations guy (Toby) is… um… not here, and Johanna said she was busy growing her hair._

Sweeney's reply: -ridiculously calm- Kill his girlfriend, then he will run back into your arms in grief. Mwahaha.

(Bella: We are issuing a statement that Mr T's dosage has been changed. He now costs us £200 a day in horse tranquilisers.)

Mrs Lovett's reply: If it's tr_uuuuuu_e l_oooooo_ve, it will all be ok and you will dance happily into the sunset! La-de-da-de-da-de-la… -big smile-

(Bella: Yeah… we're not actually sure what she's on.)

Anthony's reply: Aw… how sweet!!! 'Tis truly love… LOVE CONQUERS ALL!!!

(Bella: Anthony is a happy drunk. Oh good, here comes Johanna. She's not on anything as far as I know.)

Johanna's reply: I would like to say: IF ONE MORE PERSON SAYS I HAVE YELLOW HAIR, I'LL SWEENEY THEIR USELESS ARSES!!!

(Mr T: I'm a verb now?

Anthony: 0.0 Oh shit)

Judge Turpin's reply: Tell him your feelings, and if he won't love you, tell him you're happy to be his second girlfriend. Obviously make it clear you won't tell anyone.

(Joh: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!! KEEP YOU DIGNITY!!!)

Beadle Bamford's reply: Do you think that I should grow a little moustache like Pirelli's? It'll make me Mr Sexy!!!

(Bella: Ew…)

Lucy's reply: Do you think that I should grow a little moustache like Pirelli's? It'll make me Mr Sexy!!!

(Bella: 0.o)

Pirelli's reply: I am dead and on number nine of the having-the-hump-scale.

(Bella: OMG! I love those books!

Pirelli: Of course you do. Other wise there wouldn't be a reference to them no one else will get in my reply.

Bella: -is busy carving 'Bella 4 Sweeney' into a nearby tree trunk with one of Sweeney's razors (as stolen in chapter 4: Angelina's problem, special edition)-)

Jenny's reply: OMG!!! I'M A GUEST STAR!!! OMG!!! Do whatever SWEENEY said!!! I LOVE YOU SWEENEY!!!

(Mr T: 0.o

Jen: -fangirl squee- squeeeeeeeee! –Faints-

Bella: Sorry about her folks, but we needed some more funding for Sweeney's 'happy pills' and her dad won the lottery.)

Bella: Public, I have a terrible announcement to make. Toby –dramatic pause- is DEAD.

Mrs L: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT EVEN HAPPY PILLS EASE THIS PAIN!

Anthony: Not the li'l boy! He was so young! TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!

Joh: What are you, gay?

Bella: JUST KIDDING!

Mrs L: -jaw hits floor-

Bella: He's on holiday.

Mrs L: Oh, that's nice!

Bella: in the rehabilitation clinic.

Mrs L: -jaw hits floor. Again-

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


	9. Crystal's Problem

Aunt Sweeney Chapter 9: Crystal's problem.

Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!

All my friends think I am too obsessed with Sweeney Todd, just 'cause I have the movie, replica razor and a book. I try to convince them that it is just the magic of Tim Burton movies. But they always say that it is just Sweeney Todd. What can I do to convince them that it is just a REALLY good movie, storyline and characters?**

Crystal

Sweeney's reply: Movie? What movie? Um… movie? Book? And who the hell is Tim Burton?!

Mrs Lovett's reply: TOBY'S BACK!!! My widdle baba boi is aw beda! –Sobs with happiness-

(Toby: Help!)

Anthony's reply: 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la etc!

(Joh: Anthony, it's November.

Anthony: So? I gotted you a present! –Thrusts box wrapped in festive paper with a big pink bow into Johanna's arms- do ya like it? Do ya? DO YA? –Eyes start to pop-

Joh: it's not Christmas time yet!

Anthony: Then why are there trees all over Asda(1)?

Joh: Um… -spooky voice- nobody knows…

Johanna's reply: _Mr Todd_ in a _movie_? Don't make me laugh! I've met caramel quality streets with more interesting lives, and better acting talent.

Sweeneysbestfriend's reply: Wait, where'd you get a replica razor? I want one!

Judge Turpin's reply: Look into my eyes… you are getting sleepy…I am going to count backwards from ten…ten…you are feeling drowsy…nine…you are…um…more drowsy…eight…you are also sleepy…seven…oh, for god's sake! I am way too lazy for this! Hypnotise yourself! BYE.

Beadle Bamford's reply: I have some important news everyone! –makes a drum roll noise in the back of his throat- duh-ruh-rur-ruh-rur… I'm engaged!

(Joh: Poor girl.

Judge: Who's the 'lucky' lady?

Beadle: Well, Rent-a-Slut Inc. and Buy-a-Bride corp. merged to become the Marry-a-Skank co. And I'm the first costumer!

Lucy's reply: Moo -chews grass-

Pirelli's reply: Why not invite them round for a movie night? Play Sweeney, so they can see what a great movie it is. Then change movies and don't bring up Sweeney all evening, thus showing them you're not obsessed. Oh, and when watching 'Sex in the City' don't start humming 'worst pies in London'. It's silly. It nothing works put that replica razor to good use.

Toby's reply: Ha ha! Pirelli gave you advice!

(Pirelli: Ha ha! Toby didn't!)

(1)Wal-mart to American readers

Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!


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